Sometimes i really wonder, why am i the way i am? Why do i always need to act in a fashion that others would label “over-reaction”?
Well, that is perhaps because i am me, unabashedly and unapologetically. I am an individual harboring several contrasting traits. For instance, i can and i often befriend random people; yet at the same time i do not allow everyone in my fb-friend list, because i don’t want to be friends with everyone. I love helping people and usually go out of way to help them. But i have trouble asking for help if i feel they might have to go out of their comfort zone to do that. Similarly, i let people talk their hearts out while i bottle up my feelings and emotions, most of the time.
For reasons stated above and more, i have a difficult time finding a person i really connect with. Someone i would ping when i am happy, someone i would ping when i am sad and someone i would ping when i have nothing to do.
Well, i have been blessed with a few individuals who fit the bill. One of them happens to be this guy. Met him online, he was a FOF initially and then went on to become one of my besties, or so i thought. A li’l older than i am, he is a lot mature, sorted, chilled-out, well-articulated and extremely nice. Our friendship being 3.5 years old, i have had never the chance of meeting him in person. He used to be my go-to-guy for anything and everything.
I loved him insanely until i visited his blog today. it has been about 20 months or so that i hadn’t visited it. Upon visiting, i learnt somewhere between my previous and recent visits, he had had a girlfriend with whom he had spent countless sweet moments. I was glad that he had found someone, whose company and presence meant so much to him.
But somewhere it hurt me, that he never mentioned this despite our regular chats. I usually don’t accept anyone easily, but when i do, that is for life. When i learnt that, myriad emotions played through me and i felt pretty restless. I felt i knew nothing about him though i blabbered to him about everything going (be it right or wrong) in my life.
I might be over-reacting but i thought he told me everything, just as i told him everything. Perhaps so much drama is totally uncalled for. Perhaps it was just a tiny thing.
But somewhere, meandering through these several perhaps, i realized i would never love him the way i did.
My usual reaction has always been, “block the person” if i ever don’t want to talk to the person anymore. But this person concerned got only unfriended/removed from all the lists he had been in. Is it because, i feel i owe him an explanation for unfriending him? I haven’t delved that deep and i don’t want to, either.
Another 3 days, and it would be his birthday. After 3 long years, this would be the first time, i will not be wishing him.
I admit i’ll miss him. I will miss turning to him whenever i needed help. But after a certain point, i guess i have to let it all go.
But i will continue to be his well-wisher. I really can’t forget all the moments when he had been there to lift my spirits, the way he said, “you rock ma’m” and many more things. At the same time, i can’t let someone hurt me and be friend at the same time.